I knew I loved you before you were born. There were days when I would just wrap my arms around my growing tummy and give you a hug. The moment when I found out on a stick, which showed double line as "pregnant", I had butterflies in my tummy and a love I've never felt before. I carried you around in my tummy for about 36 weeks, suffered major 'morning' sickness (which doesn't only happen in the morning but all the time), emotional roller coaster, throwing up fest for more than 7 months, body-aches, water retention body etc.
A year ago, you burst into the world - screaming! A tiny little boy, 2.66 kg who came a month earlier than expected cause you were getting a little impatient. I guess you really wanted to be a Dragon baby more than a snake baby by popping out a day before Chinese New Year. Getting you here was one of the hardest things I've done in my life and never have I imagined that I could go through so much pain without even getting epidural anesthesia. Alhamdulillah, everything went real smooth.
I went for a normal weekly check up and while waiting at the doctor's office, I felt a gush of really warm fluid coming out as if I peed in my pants. So I got to cut the long queue and straight into the doctor's room for a quick check up before getting to the labour room. There were no signs of contractions, so daddy and I waited and waited. 3pm, 6pm, 8pm, 10pm, still no sign of labour. People came and left, but you did not show any sign of wanting to come out to say hello.
The doctor came at 11pm to see how I was doing. She even asked me whether I want to speed up my labour process by getting induced. Bored and scared, we were so eager to see you, so we said yes! An hour after being induced, at 1.06 a.m., your daddy and I welcomed you into this world.
Nothing like pulling your daddy's shirt, I was just holding tight on the side railing trying to distract myself from the pain. Daddy was constantly reminding me not to lift up my butt. Counting minutes between my ever so painful contractions.
I hold myself from screaming, not even a sound came out. After a few pushes, you were out. Nothing could explain the pain I went through but in the end you were worth every ounce of effort and pain that it took.
As a first time mom, I was constantly worried how childbirth would be for me and if I'd be any good at being a mom.
I remember so clearly meeting you for the first time and holding you in my arms.
Daddy was the first to held you close to recite Azan in your ears. Right after, the nurse placed you in my arms and it felt so surreal looking at how beautiful you are.
A year ago, you were fragile and tiny. The most precious and beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on and I couldn't believe that you're our child. I didn't know how to hold you. You can tell because in the pictures that were taken right after you were born, I was holding you in a way that I never held you again. I was so scared and so new at being your mommy and I didn't know if I was doing it right. Your daddy and I were in awe just looking at you and realizing how blessed we are.
Since that moment, I've fallen in love with you deeper and deeper each day. The first night in the hospital was an exhausting one for me and daddy, probably you too. Your daddy left at about 5 a.m. and I got a few hours of sleep before waking up to learn how to nurse you.
It seems like yesterday that I was in confinement, you were nursing to sleep and needed me for every little thing, from holding up your head to getting your burps out. Over the last year, you and I have had some ups and downs together. Like how hard it was for me to nurse you and how painful to see you cry when you get your monthly jabs, the sleepless nights, the impossible diaper changes, the time we sat in an emergency room for more than 6 hours when we were in Australia cause you had terrible burns and diaper rash, last but not least, getting back into my pre-baby body. (I am still working hard to get back into my old clothes). You've seen me at my very worst and yet you've brought out the very best in me by just being you!
Once I got to know you, every inch of you, I learned the way you love to snuggle and reach out your hands to feel me near you and I've watched you grow and develop your little personality. It gave me nothing but joy to see you hit each milestone - smiling, lifting your head, rolling, sitting, eating solid food, weird face expressions, crawling, talking, your cheekiness, your first tooth, and learning to walk.
You enjoy balloons, cars, motorbikes, getting in the driver's seat as if you know how to drive, football, swimming, watching the airplane pass by, evening stroll on your eco ride, watching youtube videos, cartoon network, weekly trips to the mall and hypermarket, playing hide and seek and many more.
You can give "high-fives", which I remember you first gave me when you were just 5 months old. At 6 months, you got your first tooth, sat up on your own and tried solid food for the first time. The second you hear the music, you joyfully start to dance and clap your hands. You give such a big grin while you do it and it seems you can't help but move to the beat. You enjoy clapping joyously and enthusiastically applauding when you have accomplished something and you crawl so fast now that we sometimes couldn't keep up with you.
You are obsessed with your blanket and you find comfort in them. Once you see them, your eyes light up and you crawl so quickly to it. Now I know why babies and toddlers are attached to these things (aka comfort object, transitional object, or security blanket). It may not seem like a source of comfort to us but to you, a lovey is a little piece of home, and by extension that can travel with you to unfamiliar places or soothe you when the going gets tough.
Overall, to sum up everything, you are one happy, curious, and active baby which makes you so smart.
I love your laid back, easy going silly personality. You enjoy large crowds, attention, being around people you know. I love the way you smile with a wide-open mouth, laughing silently or giggling when you hear other people laugh.
I love the crooked little mouth and long face you make when you cry to get my attention. (How your cry affects me every time). I love listening to you talk, learning new words and sounds almost daily. You are a fast learner. You learned to say "Daddy, dog, cat, flower, ball, mama, moon and last but not least, 'tata' while waving goodbye. I love the way you wake up in the morning with wild hair, standing at your crib, holding your blanket looking at me with those cute eyes saying "come on, pick me up, Mommy". You are a fast learner and now you can do few hand gestures and actions when asked. You raise your hand and touch your hair when I ask you to comb your hair, you rub your palms when I say wash your hands and many more.
Now you can stand without holding anything and clap. As proud as I am to watch you grow, it also hurts a little because every centimeter you grow, pulls you that much farther away from being a baby - being my baby.
Your daddy and I were so excited to be in all those wonderful moments with you celebrating your milestones. You've accomplished so much. We couldn't be more proud of how much you're learning and how far you've come along.
You have grown into such an amazing little boy. Your personality shines through in everything you do already. In just a year, you have made this world a better place for being in it. It has been the greatest gift we could have asked for. Full of both joys and challenges. It's been the most treasured, rewarding, blessed time of our lives.
You are continuously teaching me something new and wonderful. Everyday I wake up and see your beautiful face, I am inspired to become a better mom and a better person.
Today, know that your life has made such a profound difference in our lives. I can only imagine what amazing things you will do and accomplish in the future, because at just one-year-old, you are living life to the fullest. And as you continue to learn life's lessons, my wish for you is to never ever let the difficulties of life outweigh the joys.
Remember, daddy and I will be there along the way to help you when you're in need and step aside when you don't. We pray and hope for your future that you become a man of God, caring, loving, humble, stable, independent, smart, gentle and strong like your daddy.
Your first year has been wonderful beyond words but somehow I know that the best is yet to come. We look forward to watching you grow over the years, to watch you find yourself and become whoever it is you want to be. Just remember, take your time! There is no rush - you don't need to get there too fast. We certainly will treasure each moment.
I love you more than words could ever say. Happy 1st Birthday, little man! Lots of love, Mommy!
marks 4 years since the passing of my beloved grandma.
We miss her dearly everyday.
My grandma was special in every way. She made me smile everyday.
And she was always there for me, especially in my time of need.
She was the one I ran to, when I didn't know what to do.
And she was the one who was always there, when no one else seemed to care.
When I was down, she made me smile.
And that smile, lasted a while.
My grandma was not just my grandma, she was my best friend.
She was my heart, and the day she was gone, my world fell apart.
You never said you're leaving, you never said goodbye.
You were gone before I knew it, and only God knew why.
A million times I needed you, a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,
In my heart you hold a place that no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone.
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
It seems like yesterday, I talked to you and see you smiling from across the room.
Memories of you stays and never ever fade. I can still hear your soft voice whenever I think of you. She was patient and she would drop everything and would sit down and would be genuinely interested in what I had to say. No matter how petty the matter was. She always listened and knew what to say. Same goes when I was thousand miles away, I would call her just to hear her voice and her stories. We miss you every day, especially on special occasions like my wedding and the day I gave birth to my baby boy.
Before her death, I always thought about how it would be to lose a beloved one.
I thought it would be hard on anyone to lose a family member but they say time can heal everything. Sad but as time goes by, things are going to get better.
Clearly they are wrong.
I wish I could describe her, imagine: beauty, kindness, sweetness, pureness, care, love, strength, wisdom. Mixed everything together, you'll get a full picture of my grandma.
Four years now,
without your pretty face,
without your gorgeous smile,
without telling me you want to see me succeed,
without your prayers for me,
without any phone call from you,
without your hot gossips,
without you being there for me every time I feel bad about everything,
without asking me about my partner, without your advice,
without you telling me that you want to witness my marriage before you die,
without you asking me about how my day went, without you waving goodbye from the window. What keeps me going is knowing that you're in a much better place, a place where only happiness touches your heart. Allah loves you more. Sadness is one thing, but we should all celebrate your life for you brought so much joy to people around you. We've suffered a great loss but shared so much love that will last forever. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.